Magnolia Hammerite
was born in 1899. The daughter of Hubert Trimite and Cordelia Du Lux, she
was married to Sir Rufus "Red" Hammerite who disappeared on the fateful
1959 British expedition to find the Himalayan Foxglove.
She has two daughters, Violet
and Rose Hammerite who achieved brief notoriety in the Castrol 'R' sniffing
scandal of 1951. An illegitimate son, "Black Matt" Hammerite is said to
be the result of an illicit affair in Africa in the 40's.
Magnolia was always an unusual girl. Thrown out of Roedean for attaching a Napier aero engine to her bicycle she found herself naturally gravitating to Brooklands, which was unfortunate as she was in a Tiger Moth at the time. Once extracted from the wreckage she became an enthusiastic car racer as it was as she put it "an absolute hoot and a chance to whup Barbara Cartland's sorry pink ass"
A long and chequered career
followed. From being presented to the King (who gave her back as she didn't
match the wallpaper) to a spell in a Turkish prison for doughnut running
during the infamous Cinnamon Blockade, Magnolia's life had many highs and
lows. An attempt on the land speed record sadly failed when her voluminous
petticoats became caught by the airstream and acted as a drag 'chute.
From that day she was mostly
seen wearing men's clothes. Luckily most of the men didn't seem to mind.
Magnolia was a popular and
sociable woman and was a regular favourite of the Prince of Wales, although
she did frequent other pubs too. Her social circle included anyone who
was anyone and many more who weren't. She famously advised Sir Malcolm
Campbell to name his series of blue racing cars "Turquoise Hedgehog" but
when he had sobered up he decided on a much duller name.
She owned an unusual looking
Dachshund, "Towser" who was her constant companion for many years. Although
Towser's strange appearance was eventually explained by the fact that he
was in fact a crocodile, Magnolia doted on him, feeding him chocolates
and small boys. Many times he was to be seen under her chair in the bar,
contentedly chewing someone while Magnolia had a refreshing pint or two
of absinthe.
Always an enthusiastic motorist, Magnolia owned and crashed many famous and dangerous motorcycles, ornithopters and racing cars including the "Speed of Passed Wind" record breaker. Her autobiography "Where's the Gin?" is shortly to be published.
I am delighted to be able to announce that her Ladyship has graciously agreed to become the patron of the Splendid Whizzer Association despite the fact as she puts it "I'm afraid I can't pronounce it any time after luncsh, dear boy" Although presently unable to attend any events in person due to severe gout, she assures me that once the V8 is re installed in her bath chair she will be actively mobile once more..
If you have any more anecdotes
from Magnolia's career, both she and I would be very interested to hear
them..
Cath Roberts wrote: You did
not however touch on Lady Mag's excellent reputation amongst her staff
and servants as a fair and just employer. So highly was she regarded,
that Louisa Brush (former lady's maid) honoured Lady Magnolia and the Hammerite
family through the naming of her own son, Hammerite Brush (cleaner).
Lady Magnolia personally believed that Louisa's son was the issue of an
unfortunate liason with a visiting German dignitary Axle Stand, but Louisa
never confirmed this. Clearly the social difficulties revealing her
son's nationalistic heritage during the late forties prevented her.
As "Herr Brush", Hammerite would have had problems in finding employment
with the British upper classes.
P.R.